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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/25175920">Hold Onto Me (Cause I'm a Little Unsteady)</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/vulpes_alis/pseuds/vulpes_alis'>vulpes_alis</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Yuzuru Hanyu - Fandom</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>2019 Skate Canada International, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Sickfic, im not super into the skater fandom so it might be ooc</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-07-10</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-12-12</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-05 06:42:38</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Not Rated</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>5</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>6,073</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/25175920</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/vulpes_alis/pseuds/vulpes_alis</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Yuzuru is the definition of perfection and it was hard-earned. But something happens to Yuzu during a Gala practice that he can't explain. Yuzu is scared. Scared of what it might mean. Scared of it happening again. </p>
<p>(I don't know how to write summaries)</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Javier Fernández/Yuzuru Hanyu</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>19</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>86</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Chapter 1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>My first fic???<br/>Something is wrong with Yuzu but he doesn't want to acknowledge it.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>The scraping of blades against the ice filled the air, music to Yuzuru’s ears. Nothing could have made this moment better: the numb nose, the slight burn in his thighs, the shouts and belting laughs from the other skaters. Yuzu could not wipe the smile off his face if he tried.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>They were learning the new gala routine and, although he was usually bored out of his brain by the slow pace and being unable to just </span>
  <em>
    <span>skate, </span>
  </em>
  <span>Yuzu was surprisingly relaxed. He played around with some of the kids and danced around Shoma with an easy gracefulness. But, for the most part, he was content just watching his friends having fun. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>His group was called once again to the center of the ice to practice the routine, a fun dance to a popular song he knows most of the lyrics to despite it being in English. He twirled and swayed his body along with the others leisurely. He didn’t feel in a rush today, content to just follow the routine without his usual </span>
  <em>
    <span>flair. </span>
  </em>
  <span>A couple of other skaters had given him strange looks but he shrugged them off with a soft giggle. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Finally, it was his favorite part. When all the skaters moved to the outside and skaters were given a spotlight to show off a specific move. Couples lifted and spun, others did a quad or triple, some bowed their bodies back low into a Cantilever Yuzuru had always felt a little tug in his chest watching the pairs locking eyes and communicating through this innate bond that came with throwing putting their life in the hands of the other. It wasn’t that Yuzu wanted to change to pairs skating. It was just a little lonely part of his brain that craved something similar. Something he used to have but lost.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>His heart fluttered when it came time for him to move to the center. This was what he lived for. When everyone’s eyes were on him. He knew how skilled he was, but even more, he knew how beautiful he looked. His svelte figure moving with strength and grace that came from years of practice. It was an image. One that he knew quite a few people present thoroughly appreciated. He moved his feet like he was skating on air and leaned into the hydroblade. The one that he had mastered and taken to the next level, literally hugging the ice. Face so low he could kiss it. And he had many times once he figured out how to get this low.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He shifted to get up but left his a prickling sensation in his leg and fell, rolling onto his back. His falls were always graceful; that was one of his best qualities. In a quirky move, he flipped and regained footing, pushing his fingertips off the ice and spun with a coy smile. He didn’t quite know why he had lost feeling but he was glad to play it off as “Typical Yuzu Flirting”. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>As nonchalant as he could, he skated back to the outer layer of the ring and leaned against the guard wall. Any skater that looked back and caught his eye quickly turned back with a slight blush as they were met with a wink or quirked eyebrow. Yuzu knew his assets and often used the kitten-like teasing as a defense. No one could see past it when he didn’t want them to. And right now...he didn’t want them to. It was bad enough that he was more restrained than usual, if they sensed weakness he would be surrounded by other skaters giving him worried faces and hesitant touches. He didn’t want it. Even when he was hyped on medical-grade pain killers with a taped ankle in his boot, Yuzu never let on that he was off his game. And he wouldn’t start now.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He played it safe near the back but interacted more with the other skaters to hopefully offset any thoughts they might have. Soon they were going through the individual spotlight moments again and Yuzu plastered a confident look on as he moved once again into his hydroblade. However, as soon as he moved into it, he knew something was wrong. His eyesight blurred and he lost all feeling, all control. His blade slipped out from under him and he met the ice full body instead of the simple hug he was doing just a moment ago. He spun out like a ragdoll and tried to force his body to move, to get up, anything. But he laid there. The sporadic laughs from the other skaters died out as they realized he wasn’t moving. He hated it, the small part of him that was aware of what was happening. Whispers picked up as he heard a few scrapes against the ice as a select few hurried to him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>His eyes were open. He could see. He just couldn’t move. A couple entered his vision and spoke, but he couldn’t understand a word. Maybe they were just speaking a different language. Yeah, that was it. So many skaters from different countries, they were speaking some language he didn’t know. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Until he saw Shoma, in shock, moving his lips in a manner that looked familiar but what came out of his mouth made no sense to him. It should have, but his brain couldn’t process the words. Yuzu’s eyes watered, overwhelmed by his inability to control his body, the thing he had worked decades to master. Overwhelmed by his inability to understand his best friend…</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Yuzu shut his eyes and took in a gasping breath. Despite the incredible fatigue in his whole body, the panic left his lungs unable to fill. His chest burned and he coughed roughly. Everything felt too much and the lightheadedness returned. Why? Why was this happening? What was wrong with him?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Something cold and hard was pressed against his lips. He knew it in a heartbeat, an inhaler, and welcomed it gratefully. The sting was followed by the almost instantaneous relief of oxygen. He relaxed against the ice. The cold bite through his clothes no longer bothered him; he smushed his cheek against it seeking comfort from his oldest friend. He was just glad there were no hands on his body despite knowing that everyone’s eyes were on him. After another moment he heard someone settling beside him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We can’t move him yet. Just shift him onto his back.” At least he could understand people speaking again. Their hands reached to his face, pulling back his eyelid as he was assaulted by light. He groaned his protest and moved to push the hand away. More good news, he could move finally. He covered his face and let out a shaking breath. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“</span>
  <em>
    <span>Kuso</span>
  </em>
  <span>,” Yuzu allowed himself to open his eyes slowly, blinking back reflexive tears. With all the strength he could muster, Yuzu raised a boot and brought it back down onto the ice. Hard. “</span>
  <em>
    <span>Chikushou</span>
  </em>
  <span>.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The room was already quiet, but the curses from Yuzu had brought even the minute whispers to a halt. He was the definition of elegance. Yes, he was bright and bubbly and had a bursting laugh, but he still retained this unearthly grace through all of it. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Yuzu pushed himself up into a sitting position, ignoring the wave of </span>
  <em>
    <span>dizzy</span>
  </em>
  <span>, and threw himself up with all his might. Ignoring the skaters behind him and the coaches that had hurried onto the ice, he skated (if you could call it that) towards the gate. He grabbed his skate guards and hurriedly put them on his blades, almost falling in the process if not for his iron grip on the barrier. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yuzu! Where are you going?” One of his coaches shouted at his retreating figure. He didn’t quite know where he was going, but it involved a dark room with nobody else and overthinking and a good breakdown. He also might need to look into what the </span>
  <em>
    <span>fuck </span>
  </em>
  <span>was wrong with him.</span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Chapter 2</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Yuzu decides that denial is a valid form of self-care, he gets a text from someone he can never manage to forget, and Evgenia is the captain of this ship.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Sorry for taking so long to update! Finals and moving took up a ton of my time but the last week or so I was just lazy. This is very canon divergent so I decided that I don't really want to spend hours trying to research a ton of intricate stuff about competitions and galas that I don't know anything about (since I'm too busy watching Yuzu be an ice prince) so please forgive any inaccuracies. Just consider it part of the canon divergence lolol.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Yuzuru considers himself extremely professional. So even after the scare during the gala practice, he had only run away for an hour or two before returning as if nothing had happened. In fact, that is exactly what he had convinced himself of. Nothing happened. He was tired and fell asleep for a minute and everyone was overreacting and he was </span>
  <em>
    <span>fine. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>So he gets back on the ice with slightly puffy eyes that’s just the result of allergies, he swears. Breathing in the cold seems to calm him almost immediately and the burn in his legs distracts him from the confused stares and concerned glances. This was exactly what he didn’t want. But people don’t want to deal with things that are scary or difficult, so he gives it a few hours and everyone will be back to normal. The question is if he will be normal at the end of it.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The gala goes well. He had won the title by a comfortable gap and his performance of Parisienne Walkways was strong and relaxed. He was the pure image of a champion. He wasn’t desperate for any attention because he knew he already had it. Probably over half of the phone cameras in the building were trained on him and the cheers rained down like flowers. It was more than enough to bring out the Superstar Yuzu that skates along the ice with a coquettish look in his eyes and a sultry smirk. This is his favorite part. The energy of want that he feels from everyone around him. Though a small part of him misses the one person that actually mattered when it came to that want. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>And you know what they say. Speak of the devil and he texts you at 3 am about the one thing you have been avoiding the whole day.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>From: Unknown (3:27am)</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Did you not think for a second that I would want to know Yuzu?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>From: Unknown (3:41am)</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Yuzu.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I swear to god.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>To: Unknown (3:44am)</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It not big deal.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>From: Unknown (3:44am)</span>
</p><p>
  <span>How is it not a big deal Yuzu? You blacked out in the middle of rehearsal.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Have you not been sleeping??</span>
</p><p>
  <span>To: Unknown (3:45am)</span>
</p><p>
  <span>God, you more worry than when we dating…</span>
</p><p>
  <span>From: Unknown (3:47am)</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Yuzu</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I always worry.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>This is not a joke. People don’t just faint.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>To: Unknown (3:48am)</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Well, this people did. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Thank you for worry. But I am fine.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>From: Unknown (3:50am)</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I’m coming.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>To: Unknown (3:50am)</span>
</p><p>
  <span>No need.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>From: Unknown (3:51am)</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I am the one that needs to see you.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>To: Unknown (3:51am)</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I not want.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>From: Unknown (3:51am)</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Too bad sweetheart. I’m already on my way.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Yuzuru sighs. Exasperated. He knows there is no way to stop the man even if he had to walk from halfway around the world. Even after they broke up, he had always hovered. Yuzu guessed that the guilt of breaking his heart overwhelmed him. Even now, it appears. He would never admit it but in some sick way, Yuzu loved it. Revelled in it. Probably part of his twisted need for attention that he will even accept it from the man that broke up with him through text.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Yuzu decided to do the easiest thing when faced with a pending disaster. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Completely ignore it and hope it goes away.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Evgenia, on the other hand, will not let Yuzu forget it. Every few minutes she gushes to him about two of her dearest friends getting back together and how she knew they couldn’t stay away from each other for too long. Completely ignoring Yuzu’s protests. And after she got a hold of his phone, Evgenia took it upon herself to dissect the text convo (briefly teasing Yuzuru about his broken English. </span>
  <em>
    <span>It was 3 in the fucking morning forgive him for not being flawless in the grammar of his second language</span>
  </em>
  <span>) and run around to a few other skaters claiming that the “golden couple” were going to be reunited. Yuzu calls from down the hallway correcting her that Scott and Tessa are the golden couple. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yuzu.” He turns around slightly tense at the sound of his coach’s voice. He knew the other man’s angry voice and thankfully this wasn’t it. It was something much worse. His worried voice. Honestly, Yuzu would prefer the angry one. He locks eyes with his coach and Yuzu nods.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know.” </span>
  <em>
    <span>I won’t let him shake me up. I will find out what is wrong. I will take better care of myself. </span>
  </em>
  <span>The short phrase had a lot of connotations and they both understood without going into detail. Brian had been hesitant when Yuzu decided to get his own apartment and start living completely alone. He knew that Yuzu could take care of himself, that he was an adult and could act like one when needed. But he also knew that Yuzu could be self destructive sometimes. Like when he is skating and can’t accept anything less than perfection and runs the routine until he can barely stand, Yuzu can also get too into his head and end up spending hours laying on the couch with music blasting through his headphones and completely forget to eat or check his phone. Living alone, there was no one to stop him from spiraling. So that </span>
  <em>
    <span>I know </span>
  </em>
  <span>also meant </span>
  <em>
    <span>I won’t be alone tonight. </span>
  </em>
  <span>There are only two people that can shake Yuzu and that is himself and the man currently enroute. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>They turn down opposite ends of the hallway and Yuzuru runs to catch up to Evgenia as she is flipping through his phone and whining that he erased all the cute couple photos of her “mom and dad”. (Why not “dads”? He will never know.) He rolls his eyes and he makes grabby hands for his phone until she acquiesces. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He mumbles under his breath, “Of course, I delete them. You don’t keep couple photo with man that break your heart.” Yuzu is a hypocrite. Those photos are safely locked up on a flashdrive in his bedside drawer underneath a pile of fan letters. He tried to. He really did. But everytime his cursor hovered over the delete button, he felt sick to his stomach.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Yuzu loiters around with his friends, playing pranks, and mostly gesturing to communicate to the skaters that he isn’t as familiar with. The language barrier can be fun sometimes but he really wasn’t in the mood to use more brain power than necessary at the moment. He was currently moving his arms in a somewhat flappy motion surrounded by a handful of other skaters describing a particularly aggressive goose at the park that he tried to befriend a month or so back when the others' smiles dropped. Yuzu’s heart stopped and he closed his eyes to prepare mentally before he suddenly realized his arms were still outstretched and he let them drop to his sides. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He turned around slowly with his eyes still closed. Maybe this was a dream. If he opened his eyes, would he wake up? He didn’t know which one he would prefer but he opened his eyes anyway. Just in time to get ran into. His arms instinctually moved to hold the man in front of him. It was more than muscle memory. Every atom in his body screamed to reciprocate the hug. To finally breath. He was so proud of his body control. That was, until the man dug his fingers in to grip at Yuzuru’s shirt and buried his face into his shoulder. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Well, you can’t really blame Yuzu’s resolve for breaking.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Every sleepless night crying into his pillow, every reach across his mattress just to find cold sheets, every word that died on his lips as he turned around to find himself alone. Damn them all. At that moment, he couldn’t find it in himself to care about any of them. So his arms leap around the man in front of him, returning the grip and pulling him even closer. (If that was even possible.) He could feel the stares and smirks but he couldn’t find it in him to care.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Jabi.”</span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>He's here!! Javi has finally graced us with his presence! </p><p>I'll do my best to make the next update not a month from now! Thank you for reading and I am sorry if I don't respond to comments yet, I am honestly too scared to read them :| but I love you all!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Chapter 3</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>How did these two hearts come together...and how did they fall apart?</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>It's a super short chapter but I wanted to try to give some background and figured I should just do it in a single little chapter and get it out asap. Thank you for always being so patient with me!~</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>The cotton candy fluffiness in his chest lasted less than a minute before it disappeared like it does when the sweet is placed on your tongue. You get a taste of the sugary snack and, in the blink of an eye, it’s gone. And all you are left with is a sick feeling in your stomach. Yuzu pulled back from Javier and fell easily into the casual Flirty Yuzu persona. Normal Yuzu physically could not handle this right now. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Long time no see, Jabi!” His smile was friendly but the kind that held you at arm length. Most of the other skaters had dispersed politely to provide them some semblance of privacy. (Though the majority were still close enough to hear if any major drama went down.) “It good to see you well! Be sure to see Brian before go. You still favorite.” Yuzu giggled but it was purely surface level. The smiles didn’t reach his eyes and he didn’t laugh with the pure abandon he used to have. He could tell that it didn’t fool him, but Yuzuru couldn’t find it in himself to care. Was he supposed to be sincere and genuine to a man that had been playing a game of push and pull with him for years?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>First it was, “You’re too young for me”, then it was “We are just friends”, and then “We are too busy”. Excuse after excuse. Okay, maybe the first one was valid. Yuzuru is still a little embarrassed of his teen crush on the Spaniard but Javier assured him it was incredibly adorable. But once Yuzuru had become an adult, the giggly blushes and hand holds turned to less than innocent jokes and wandering hands. Javier was a strong man...but there is only so much patience and discipline that he could have when an attractive man is draping himself over him and whispering sensually in his ear. Let’s just say that the excuses only lasted so long before he broke. Shoma is still mentally scarred.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Not much changed between them after they broke the friend barrier but it took a while before they placed the label on their relationship. (Javier still very much aware of their age difference and afraid of Momma Hanyu’s reaction.) But they woke up in each other’s beds more days than they did in their own. And Javier’s hand found a permanent home on Yuzuru’s waist. But their behavior in front of other skaters wasn’t too different from before, so they had thought their little affair was their little secret. Turns out they aren’t as secretive as they thought they were. (“What do you mean you figured it out months ago?” “Yuzuru, you came to practice with matching hickies...plus you guys makeout in the locker room.”) It took Brian giving Javier a “Fatherly Talk” after practice one day to finally knock some sense into the man and he asked Yuzuru out for their first date. Evgenia ended up loading Javier’s locker with an inhuman amount of condoms the second they stopped pretending they weren’t in love. (“Why you not put them in my locker?” “Please Yuzu, we all know that Javier is the only one using them.” “Wait! Why you not think I’m top?” “Oh honey, you could if you wanted...but we both know you don’t want to.” “Fine.”)</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It was a blissful time for the two of them. Skating by day and cuddling by night, it was like they had their own little secret from the rest of the world. It was just theirs. No overzealous fans prying in. When they were together in either of their apartments, they lived in a little bubble where everything was roses and sparkles and kisses were exchanged like currency. It was as sweet as the name...Honeymoon Phase. Sugary and syrupy and made you feel sick to be around it too much. A little bit of Yuzuru feared when the honeymoon phase would end and the inevitable arguments would settle in and one of them would eventually say something they would regret. Thankfully, that never happened.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Because Javier left him before it could.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Yuzuru woke up in the early morning feeling cold and, frankly, a little grumpy. It was a rare day off and he was hoping to sleep in and give his body as much time to reset. But when he scooted over to find his lover, he was met with a blank space. And when it became clear that he hadn’t just gone to the bathroom, that Javier had left, he was terrified. He wouldn’t just leave without telling him. One too many times, Javi had found him with tears in his eyes cause he thought he had decided to go home in the middle of the night. Something he quickly learned not to do after their first night together. Yuzu was needy and Javier understood that and he had promised not to leave without telling him. So when in the world did he leave without </span>
  <em>
    <span>telling him.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The answer resided on his glowing phone screen. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>From: Jabi babi &lt;3 (4:13am)</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Yuzu</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I’m sorry, but I just can’t do this anymore.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>From: Jabi babi &lt;3 (4:17am)</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I’m heading home for a while.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I’ll still support you. Always. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>To: Jabi babi &lt;3 (4:19am)</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jabi</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I not understand</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I love you Javi</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Please. I not need anything.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Please come home</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Te amo.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>To: Jabi babi &lt;3 (4:27)</span>
</p><p>
  <span>おねがい</span>
</p><p>
  <span>(read 4:35)</span>
</p><p><span>Would you like to Block</span> <em><span>Jabi babi &lt;3</span></em><span>?</span></p><p>
  <span>You won’t receive calls or texts from </span>
  <em>
    <span>Jabi babi &lt;3</span>
  </em>
  <span>.</span>
</p><p>
  <b>(Yes) </b>
  <span>(No)</span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>おねがい - (Onegai) "Please" informal</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Chapter 4</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Doctors are scary but love is scarier.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I am so sorry it took me a month to upload. I had half of it done since August and just...didn't work on it because my new semester started at college. But I worked out the rest of the story and hopefully will finish it before November but don't quote me...<br/>I love you guys so much though! &lt;333</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Yuzuru may have unhealthy coping mechanisms and be self destructive, but that doesn’t mean he wants to </span>
  <em>
    <span>die. </span>
  </em>
  <span>So he found his way to the doctor a week later. It was easy to put off as the season had just begun and he could easily talk himself out of needing to go in favor of training or resting after training or literally anything else. But he finally snapped himself out of it with the help of Javier. The man had just stuck around after his appearance a week ago and stuck to Yuzu. But he didn’t try to go back to how things were before. There were no handholds or sweet kisses or cuddling each other to sleep. Honestly, Yuzu was a little disappointed.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>So he finds himself sitting in the doctor’s office with Javi a couple feet to his left while the doctor and him discuss the “event”. Yuzu responds to his questions bluntly and as apathetically as possible. But inside he felt like he had been set on fire. He wanted to run or scream or both at the same time. His heart was beating out of his chest. This was more terrifying than watching a competitor skate after you and watch him get closer and closer to your score. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“So before you fell, did you have any weakness or dizziness?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I was skating. I feel tired and weak but this is normal. But when I hydroblade, I suddenly fall and cannot move. This is not normal. Good was that I already close to ground. Muscle become…” Yuzu raises his arms up and drops them, letting them hang. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Ok, how about after? Can you tell me about what happened after you fell?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I get confused. I not understand other skaters speaking. Even Japanese, I not understand. I not able to speak or move.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Javi chimes in, “I had heard from others there that he became unresponsive for a couple minutes. His eyes were open and he seemed conscious but he just wasn’t there.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Ok, so this seems like an atonic seizure. You fell limp because your muscles were unable to support your body. Generally people fall unconscious but some people, like you, remain conscious during the event. I would like to go through some tests, mainly a brain scan. The seizure could have been caused by any number of things, even a fever or blood sugar levels. But I would prefer to be safe and order one just in case.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Yuzu stares at the man blankly. He had caught a good amount of that, but just the words. He didn’t understand them together. Javi seemed to have realized this because 30 seconds later, he finds a phone in front of his face. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>拏捕 - Capture, arrest, seizure</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The confusion on his face must have tipped Javier off that it was the wrong translation for whatever they were trying to tell him because the phone is removed from in front of him and replaced after another 10 seconds or so.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>脳卒中 - Stroke, cerebral hemorrhage, cerebral stroke</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ok. That was a lot worse than he thought it was going to be. He just stared at the phone and his facial muscles relaxed. This wasn’t real. He honestly felt so relieved he could laugh. And he did. A thick one, deep in his chest that left him bent at the waist and tapered off with little giggles. He looked up to see Javier looking at him like Yuzuru had just gone mad and the doctor looking apologetic and a little awkward. Javier tried to reach for his hand and grab his attention, but Yuzuru burst into another giggle fit when he tried. Javi gave up after a minute and looked to the doctor with panic apparent in his face.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What’s wrong with him? Is this another seizure?” Javi’s hands shook as he wiped them against his jeans.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The doctor turned to him, “No, this is more common than you would think. People react to the possibility of sickness in a variety of ways. For some, laughing is the impulse.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Yuzuru’s laughing tapered off and he turned to Javier, “I should have known, no way you really here. I am dreaming! This happen before, but this is new.” He said gesturing to the doctor’s office. “I can’t believe I thought Javi would actually come back.” Yuzuru lets out a soft laugh and makes his way to stand up before Javi grabs his arms and steers him back into the seat. From the corner of his eye, Yuzuru could see the doctor excuse himself out of the room. Javier kneeled in front of him, a sheen in his eyes when he looked up into Yuzuru’s eyes.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The smile fell off of Yuzuru’s face when a tear escaped Javier’s eye and he softly shook the man’s grip off of his arm and placed his hands on Javier’s face, brushing the tear away. “Yuzu, this isn’t a dream.” He reached up to grab the smaller boy’s hand and slipped it into his own. “I’m right here.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Yuzuru was silent for a minute, “If this real, why you come back then? To watch me die?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No! Yuzu, I came back because I’m selfish. As much as I want to say that I’m here to just be here for you as a friend, the truth is that I never wanted to be away from you and as time went on, it was harder to tell myself that I needed to.” Silence fell between the two of them as Javier caught his breath and Yuzuru leaned back to absorb the last 10 minutes. </span>
</p>
<ol>
<li><span>He might be very sick. Sick enough that he needs a brain scan.</span></li>
<li><span>Javier really did come back for him and it wasn’t just because he’s sick.</span></li>
<li><span>Javier might still love him.</span></li>
</ol><p>
  <span>Javier might still love him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Javier might still love him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Javi-</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Yuzuru reaches to pinch his arm. Not for any particular reason he just wants to know if he’s dreaming or if his lover still loves him and maybe they still have a chance and he is right in front of his and his hands are on his thighs and wow they are just as big and warm as he remembers and he wants to grab them and just smoosh his face against them and sink into the hollow of his neck and just breath him- wait does he smell as good as he used to? Does he still use the cologne that Yuzuru bought him for their six month anniversary?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We should schedule that brain scan as soon as possible to be safe. Even if nothing shows up, it’s better to possibly catch a tumor in the early stages.” Tumor? Oh, yeah. Yuzuru snaps back into real life. He shifts in his seat uncomfortably until Javier removes his hands, stands up, and opens the door to find the doctor again. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We should set a date for your tests, the nurse out in the hall will help you with that. The doctors here are very good and you can trust that they will do everything in their power to help your boyfriend.” The doctor says to Javier, understanding that Yuzuru is not in the mindset to be professional and discuss this. He catches the doctor call them boyfriends and wants to correct him but can’t find the energy to speak. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Yuzuru manages to convince Javier that he will schedule it later but he needs to talk with his mom and Brian before he does. But mostly, Yuzuru just wants to breathe and he </span>
  <em>
    <span>can’t </span>
  </em>
  <span>right now and he just needs to go home and be away from Javier for a minute. Even if this isn’t a dream, he isn’t going to die. He wouldn’t let that happen.</span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Look at them being angsty and in love lolol</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Chapter 5</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Tension can build up but, eventually, it explodes.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I am a bastard. This was written for a hot minute and I am just a horrible person and left y'all for like months??? I've got finals next week but I'm already working on the next one. Imma do my best not to do this again I swear lololol</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>The peace lasts a full 12 hours. He wakes up just before dawn to prepare for training. Yuzuru decided late that night, just before crashing into unconsciousness, that he wanted a few days of normalcy before he finds out if his life is over. He wanted to be Yuzuru Hanyu, the man who had the skating world in the palm of his hand, a pile of trophies and medals, and an ocean of people who idolized him. He wanted to be something other than the skater who got sick and had to leave. He didn’t want to be forgotten. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>By the time Yuzuru gets to the rink, he has completely convinced himself that it was a normal day and the stares he was receiving was because of his reputation as the greatest skater yet. So he acted like it. He strutted into the changing room with the same confidence he had a month ago. He skated out onto the ice with the same poise and elegance. He was the same Yuzuru and he wasn’t going to let himself become a shadow. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Training was going fine. Mostly footwork and sequencing, he guesses that Brian wasn’t too keen on letting him jump with everything that had happened. And Yuzuru respected that, he swears...but it was in his genetic code. And eventually, he couldn’t stop himself anymore. So he moved into position and picked up speed and pushed off the ice. He could hear someone yell but he honestly could not find it in himself to care. He was flying.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>And then he fell. It wasn’t too bad though; he had managed to land on his feet but the angle was off and he lost his balance. But he landed well, nothing more than a little bruise but he laid on the ice and he could feel the stillness in the room. The collective holding of breath and the sound of a single pair of feet running. Yuzu couldn’t help it; a laugh burst out of his chest and left him sighing breathlessly. He kicked his feet up, flittering them out and flopped his hands out to his sides, fingernails finding purchase in the ice. It was like reuniting with his best and oldest friend. It was the slam of the gate and mumbled curses as someone slipped on the ice that brought him out of his reverie. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Yuzuru turned his head with a smirk; Brian gets worked up too easily and he probably pushed too far but he couldn’t find it in himself to care. But what greets him is not Brian’s unapproving stare, but an angry Javier. He didn’t even see Javi earlier, not by the rink or in the viewing box. Yuzuru’s stomach drops to his feet as he pulls himself up, smile dropping off of his face unceremoniously. He went to stand but found he was frozen in place as the Spaniard made his way closer and closer to him. His heart started pounding as he saw the pure rage staining the older man's face. He had never seen him look like that. And a small part of him, irrationally, got scared. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Are you out of your fucking mind, Yuzu?” The man half shouted at him. Yuzuru couldn’t speak and simply pulled his legs closer to himself. “Are you actually insane? You think you can just throw out a jump like that with what just happened yesterday? I wasn’t happy that you were training at all but it was just footwork so I was willing to let you. But a quad Yuzu? You haven’t prepared for that. We don’t know what might happen if you hit your head or had another seizure while in the air. You can’t just do this. You can’t pretend like you’re some god that bad things don’t happen to.” Javier shouted in a big rush of syllables, voice shaking with anger and fear. Yuzuru caught most of that but he could tell that what he did was a no-no and that Javier was right. But it was the fact that it was Javier saying these things. The brat in Yuzuru wanted to fight and Javier had given him ammunition.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Are you out of </span>
  <em>
    <span>your</span>
  </em>
  <span> fucking mind, Javi?” His voice was soft and his legs shook as he pushed up to stand. But he could feel the irritation grow in his chest every second. “Javi has been here for a week. You cannot tell me what I can or cannot do. I jump because I am skater. Yesterday change nothing. I am fine.” He stared into Javier’s eyes defiantly. In his core, he wanted nothing more than to curl up in Javier’s arms and pout and persuade him. But he knew that this was more serious and the man in front of him hurt him and is now trying to tell him what to do.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Baby-”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Do not fucking ‘baby’ me, Javier Fernandez.” His accent was thick, but Yuzuru could tell that Javier was shocked by it. Yuzuru rarely ever called him by his full name. “Jabi” mostly. “Javier” maybe. But to include his surname? Almost never. “You left. You gave up right to tell me to do anything. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Shinjimae</span>
  </em>
  <span>.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yuzu, I know I fucked up. But I’m here and I’m trying to make things right. But you need to realize that you might have a tumor in your head and until you figure that out, you can’t throw yourself into these kinds of situations. Think about the rest of us!” Javier spoke earnestly, but it pissed Yuzuru off. Why did everyone think that they had so much control over him and his life?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“In my head. Javier. In my head. If it tumor, it my tumor. And Javier has no say in my life. You gave up that right when you disappear from my bed with no words. You text, Javier Fernandez. You text me that you cannot be with me anymore. The only one that not think about ‘the rest of us’ was you.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>It was at this point that Yuzuru realized that he couldn't handle this anymore. If he stayed in front of Javier any longer, he was going to start crying and that makes scathing monologues tend to lose their power. So he pushed past the man in front of him and skated towards the gate. He didn’t need to look around to tell that everything had stopped and everyone was staring. He knew that he was going to have to answer quite a few questions about the things the two of them had said, but that was future Yuzuru’s problem. What he needed to do now was set an appointment with the nice nurse lady that made sure to give them the office phone number for when they wanted to come back and set up a time for the scan. Only, this time it would just be Yuzuru.</span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Shinjimae - Go to hell</p>
        </blockquote><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Kuso - 'fuck'<br/>Chikushou - 'damn it'</p>
<p>Javier will come in in a chapter or two don't worry!!</p></blockquote></div></div>
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